Most people spend their entire lives performing for the acceptance of others.
It’s human nature to want to be accepted. You can’t completely fault these people for doing so. In fact, I used to be one of these people myself.
However, this can lead you down a path of self-destruction as there is no way to truly please every single person that you come across. As you inevitably come across those you can’t seem to please, the issue then becomes who do you aim to please: those who bring you joy and happiness in the moment? Those who will shower you with gifts and praise? Or possibly (if you’ve dealt with enough negative influences in life) you’ll try and please those who don’t like you right away - earning their approval through hard work.
I am here to tell you, none of these people should be your aim to please.
Not your parents.
Not your siblings.
Not your friends.
Not your crush.
Not even your significant other.
None of them. The first, and only person you should be aiming to please, is You. Nobody else.
You are the person you should aim to please. Because once that person is completely satisfied, you will have an abundance of opportunities and resources to share with others, thereby pleasing them anyway (if they are so lucky). Once you can adopt this practice and reach that point of independence, the types of people who will remain are those who are low-maintenance and easy enough to please with just your company: your loved ones and the self-reliant themselves.
“Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.”
In my opinion, it is the true goal of your lifetime to find what genuinely gives you meaning and to pursue that without any shred of guilt or shame. Once you reach a certain point of self-satisfaction, only then will you be ready to assist others with their needs. If you try to give too much before this point, all you will do is get used, manipulated, and drained for what is too important to lose - your dreams.
But if you are anything like me, you’ll say, “But isn’t that selfish? How can I live for myself when there are so many others who need things from me?”
I’m here to tell you, it is not selfish. Or at least it doesn’t have to be.
This is where we begin to practice individualism, rather than selfishness. The difference being that if you are an individualist, you are putting the pursuit of your goals ahead of everything else, all while being self-reliant in the process. This way, you are not freeloading from others, asking people for unfair exchanges, and/or causing them to get into a pattern of asking these things from you.
Now, I am not saying to disregard those you love totally. There are so many benefits to having genuine people in your life who care for your well-being that I don’t have to name them here. You can, and should help them with what you can, when you can. But what I am advocating for is to love those who don’t take unfairly. If they are truly your loved ones, they will be happy with what you can give them - it will be enough.
Remember that every person is only equipped to advise you from their own base of knowledge, and if that is lacking in the area you are pursuing, it may steer you in the wrong direction. Self-reliance is that much more important because not everyone is worth relying on.
This is why it’s important to cultivate these 3 distinct skills:
Self-awareness (through observation and reflection)
Conviction and the courage to pursue your goals
Independence: so that you’ll be able to support yourself as you prioritize these goals.
In another Newsletter, I will dive a bit deeper into developing these skills. For now, the takeaway is to:
Pursue your own goals first, then give later.
Be self-reliant enough that if they do need a favor from you, it is clearly charity. Neither of you will expect anything other than that.
Remember: the less you have to give, the more of a problem the exchange will be.
Until next week!
This newsletter is as much a message to you, the reader, as it is to me. I’ve spent too much of my life avoiding my true calling and filling in time just beating boredom instead of discovering my authentic self. My goal is to help people better know themselves and live out their vision of who they want to be, all while avoiding the many roadblocks in life preventing them from doing so. Thanks for reading!
